“I’m trying to figure you out.” Says my new friend.
How do I explain to a teenager without over-explaining and trying to keep it PG?
I’m not anything special to figure out. If I’m supposed to be figured out, no one has yet! Haha! I don’t think people are things to figure out. I do enjoy the puzzles that people are. I do like learning about what makes them tick. It doesn’t mean the puzzles ever get solved. Because it doesn’t mean there aren’t things you may never know about someone–and hey that can be okay.
We’ve been talking about all sorts of things: Writing, art, family, mental illness, friendships and relationships, etc.
I told her I used to have a friend who for some reason kept trying to figure out my taste in men. Besides the insides–the outside is a bonus. Haha. I think there does have to be a physical attraction. That’s usually what you do first, you see someone. I don’t have a type as far as I’m concerned. You can’t help who you fall in love with.
I’ve been telling her about someone new who I’ve been studying for one of Shalimar’s stories. Someone I’d read about in an article and he was very inspiring. He’s so intelligent and has an amazing, kind, and giving heart. Also he’s hilarious and a bit of a geek and it’s adorable. He’s not our first “muse” but he is definitely worth exploring. She thinks it’s cute how I gush about them. I said sometimes when I’m writing, it is like having a crush. I feel ridiculous even writing that “out loud”. Haha. With everything that’s happened in the past three years, the first muse really helped me by inspiring me with who they were. Especially after the last guy I was interested in tore me to shreds.
Shalimar & I have a story we’re working on based on this first muse. We also have quite a few poems. Having this girl interested in our writing, as well as this new muse—I feel it’s like little arrows pointing up and out of the dark place I’ve been in these past few months. Both make me think and make me laugh and it’s like medicine. It’s nice to just talk to someone instead of dwelling on things that I can’t change right now but am continuously working on. She is like when I first started talking to my fandom girls and they were so encouraging, funny, and liked my art which was a bonus. Haha. They were the first friends to believe in my work as well as share it a few times with others. One or two bought a few things from me as well. Sometimes I think people do come into your life at just the right time for a reason.
One think I liked about the new muse is how he sees love. It’s how I see it almost exactly. I wish more men had a soft, kind & romantic heart like he does. Whoever he ends up with is going to be so lucky I think. No I’m not going to tell you who they are. Haha.
On another note, I had mentioned to her about how I’m not exactly fond, especially with my anxiety, going out even to the store. Even dressed very plainly with no makeup, a hat and sun glasses I still got stared at. Mostly for my chest and also because certain men like thick girls.
Still she says, “You must be pretty.”
Pretty sure I’d said twice how I’m not exactly a six foot tall model. Haha. I don’t see myself as pretty. I said I was okay. I said the whole “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder” deal. I had told her I’m sort of a magnet for the wrong kind of men. Maybe partially because I’m Empathic. I’d heard it attracts “broken people”. Which is fine in some respects. I’m kind of broken myself right now, who am I to judge? It’s dating I don’t think I have luck with. Hence why I’m just not fond of dating at all. I prefer to get to know someone first but that’s hard to do nowadays. Everyone can be in such a rush to be coupled; they don’t seem to care who with as long as they’re not alone. Or they’re interested in ‘one night only’ and well you can buzz off thank you very much.
But like the whole Mom gene kicked in and I go into how if all a man can see is my chest or waist size he’s definitely not the man for me. Haha. The body changes. Guys like that they tend to steer the conversation towards one thing—and someone who can’t talk about anything else can just turn around and walk away. Buh-bye!
I told her the two muses of mine and Shalimar’s are gorgeous, but it was their hearts that made them amazing people that are so interesting to us. People we wanted to base characters off of. They’re not perfect–I don’t think anyone is or is meant to be. I wish the world would use that word less. I’ve known gorgeous guys who are like a movie villain, just plain evil. Or some that are unbelievably shallow. A partner doesn’t have to be book smart, an artist, actor or musician. He doesn’t have to be rolling in dough to be a good person. My ex-fiancé worked construction. He didn’t finish high school. He was kind and loving. The problem was just that over the years since we met as teens to when we actually started dating maybe five years later, he had acquired a lot of emotional baggage that kept him from finishing his GED classes or getting his contractor’s license. Or believing he could even with help. He was trying as far as I could tell but kept falling back into his darkness over and over. Once it got to the point where he was pulling me down so far that I lost myself…I had to let him go. Looking back there were things I think that I couldn’t tell if he was being honest or not and even if he walked back into my life now I wouldn’t be able to trust him. Not even enough to be a friend.
One of my favorite stories I actually heard on a TV show, but I found a quote on GoodReads where Plato says, “According to Greek mythology, humans were originally created with four arms, four legs and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, Zeus split them into two separate parts, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves.”
The show says they’re ‘desperate to find their other halves of their souls.’ Sometimes I think, if there is such a thing as a soulmate…and only ONE soulmate…then he could have been it. And he messed it up and I want a recount! Haha! Now, I think that maybe you can have different types of soulmates, even friends, who maybe like anyone else weren’t mean to be in your life forever. He got me through some tough things and I will always love him for that.
I’ve had men tell me they thought I was “too good” for them—which I think is ridiculous. I see as a “he’s just not that into you” kind of thing. They liked me but not necessarily wanted to be with me. Because too good? What? I’m not rich, I didn’t go to fancy colleges (I have my AS degree but didn’t finish my four years), and as I mentioned I’m not a model-type either. Maybe I’m a bit too moral for some? Harder to pull the wool over my eyes maybe? Maybe they really did want a model or a sugar momma? That’s okay. I rather be alone than be with the wrong person.
I told her if someone really loves you, they’ll see past the outside and straight to your heart and mind. I am not seeing myself exactly datable right now. I have things to work on. Then I think…If someone really loves me, despite all my faults and maybe even despite my darkness & current job situation, they’d love me right now. Take me as I am. Being me, I wouldn’t want to pull someone down or think they have to rescue me. But for sure, two people need to be whole before they get together. Not two halves. To know who they are and what they want in life and in someone as a partner. To have their own separate goals they’re moving towards, along with whatever they want together. They need to be able to walk side by side, and encourage each other’s dreams.
And I think I may have covered before in my blog that nowadays people can have kids alone in different ways and even adopt because there are so many children that need loving homes. If I had the means to do either right now I would. You don’t necessarily need a significant other. Even being a foster parent with the possibility of adoption in the US can be easier & faster than adopting abroad. Shalimar and I have looked as researched for a story about two years ago.
I was reading another story about a “red string of fate”. It is a legend that says that the gods tied the ankles or pinkies of two people who were destined to be lovers. That it is unbreakable, and no matter how far away, that eventually your paths will cross. Some versions say lovers or your soulmate, which to me could be two different things. Haha.
Third story would be from my Grandmother. I saw her predict for one of my cousins when, where and even what he looked like. She met him and they’re still married over a decade later by the way. Back then I was like “C’mon Nana hook me up here!” Haha. All she told me was I’d meet someone when I was traveling. Not exactly narrowing it down. I mean traveling to the store? Out of the city? State? Or do I have to go out of the country? Can you narrow it down a bit? Guess not.
I am fine alone. I’ll always be fine alone. Even with my life being a wreck lately, I’m hoping I’ll still be fine alone. Haha. If I could find someone and we couldn’t live without each other—that’s another story. Someone who’s good for me and me for him and you just can’t imagine being with anyone else. Sometimes I do get sad that my life isn’t in a place right now where I can do certain things, and I’m not exactly getting any younger. Also there was a charity for kids I hope to start/fund someday. Sigh.
I didn’t need to tell the girl all of my worries about this stuff because she’s already had to grow up so fast & it’s not my place to tell her certain things. I tended to ask my mom things and for the most part she was truthful. I probably didn’t need to know certain things so young though. Haha. On the other hand, her sister was way over-protective with her kids. So I get it via both sides. I think the girl gets mad when I point out how she’s still a teenager. And I said it’s not like I don’t think she’d understand. She’s super intelligent. I’m sure she could ask her mom or look it up. But it’s like telling someone else’s kid about Santa Clause–not my place.
I told her and my friends I’d stick around in my apartment for another month and see what happens on the job front and whatever else happens because even when my life is bad, it’s not necessarily boring. Yeesh. Like love, whatever will be, will be. I’m always going to prepare for the worst, but hope for the best. My squishy romantic heart I tend to hide rather well, but it comes out in my writing with Shalimar. Haha. I see things as they are, but I’ll always hope.
Eclectic Ramblings of the BCG 