Openness…

Waking Dream
My photography. Available for purchase in my shop links located in my bio.

Okay. When it comes to me I’m pretty open and opinionated. Ok stop laughing and nodding. I know I can talk people’s ears off. But more people “claim” to know me, and don’t really know crap about me. They know maybe one side, one facet to me.

I’ve learned over the past decade or so…that even though we love each other…some people just can’t talk to each other about everything. People get butt hurt over things and don’t value your opinion, tune you out, or turn on you even when they know you’re right. They can just dump you altogether. I don’t have “best friends”. Not since a few people I thought were my “bff’s” turned out to be anything but. They didn’t care for me as I did them. I opened up my life to them; they kept me in a corner. They wouldn’t go the extra mile for me. I felt used and pathetic. I don’t think they meant to do it really, but the damage seems to be irreversible.

Sometimes I think people get tired of me and my idiosyncrasies and just stop coming around. Maybe I’m too dark for some, too light for others. I don’t know. Or like certain girls who are all party or guys who just want to bed me, they eventually forget about asking me to places. They hang with other friends…and forget me. People I thought were my bff’s have “real” bff’s. I’m a guest at the wedding, not the Maid of Honor. If I’m even invited. Yah I know I’ve been broke and then no car–but crap! It would be nice to be thought of! It would be nice to be asked at least. That’s fine sometimes, because it does the job for me. I don’t want ‘fair-weather’ friends. I don’t want people who are only there when I’m down either. Though I still love and care for them, and wish they were going to be around forever. They don’t seem to care how deeply I am hurting.

Also people ignore me if they know what I’m going to say. Usually my ‘goody-two-shoes’ past would not approve of that they’re doing. Next thing I hear, they’re in a mess. Well crap! You’re an adult! You make your own bed. I’m just a sounding board. Hell, I do stupid stuff too despite my own or others thoughts. I just want to do it. To see how the other half lives.

I like to tell stories…obviously. True ones. If possible, I like to help others to not make mistakes I or people I know have made. To make them feel better about a situation. Sometimes I think that’s the only reason why people befriend me…until they don’t need me anymore.

Other than that, I’m pretty private. When my family had issues and moved in with a family, I think like four people had my address. I had a P.O. box for over two years. It took a long time before people knew who my roommates were. Most people I’ve known the past decade didn’t even know my real hair color until I went back to blond about four years ago. Most didn’t know whether or not I have siblings. I don’t like ‘checking in’ to places online. I don’t need people knowing my business and where I am at that exact time all the time. That’s how you get robbed or crazy exes stalk you! Or the idiots who post photos when they have called out from work! I just think it’s a stupid idea. Bosses Google too you know! Pages aren’t 100% private and some co-workers/friends could accidentally post something, or purposefully post something because secretly they’re jerks.

I don’t like people knowing for obvious reasons. It’s hard for me to be open and trust people since a lot take advantage of my kindness. You’re a stranger wanting to meet me alone even at a public event at night–red light! Probably not going to happen, even if someone can vouch you’re not a murderer. Haha. Give me time, be honest, and I’ll start to trust you more. But you screw me over, you’re out. There’s just no reason for it.

Some people I wish would trust me more. I miss them. I know they walk in certain circles, afraid I won’t fit in. Or someone in that circle hates me. So shoot, I don’t want to go either. I’ve never really “fit in” anywhere. But I can be pretty comfortable anywhere if given the chance. People need to be more open with me too. They have no idea how many guys I’ve dated. You don’t know how many guys couldn’t get past date three. Only a few made it to boyfriend status. And I know I have a lot to learn about the even the closest people I have in my life…

I want people in my life who are going to be in there for the long haul. Thick or thin. People who I can trust, argue with, make up with. Who don’t let me get all into myself and shut down. I’d do my best to do the same for them. I need people who’ll let me be me. Not “oh that’s just how she is” crap. I’ve always hated that expression. Like, what is the purpose of an online profile but to express yourself? To be who you are. Though a lot of people only pretend to be who they’d like to be. I think some people are waaaayyyy too open. We don’t need to know your bowel movements, every meal  you’ve ever ate in pictures and/or descriptions, debaucheries, the thirty cat photos/songs/things you’re selling and posting about every hour, every waking emotion, or when/where you get laid. Some other people are so quiet. If they do post, it’s philosophical stuff or “vaguebooking/vaguetweeting once in a blue moon. They post photos they’re not in; photos of just of places or just their feet or shoes. The only pictures of their faces are photos that they’re tagged in, usually from parties. Always seeming like they’re happy…but are they? What are they hiding? No one is happy all the time.

I know I can get all white noise/blind rage on people. Latin temper I guess. I’ve actually been working on that the past few years. I think passive aggressive runs on both sides of my family. I shut down to protect myself. Also to protect others from me and my big mouth. A cool down period is needed at times. When no one backs me up I feel trapped in a corner. Though sometimes I cry instead of explode now…it’s better than saying something in anger. People like to blame me for their problems.  I’ll come out fighting if I have to. Don’t expect me to bow down to you or let you bash me. People killed most of the submissive side in me with their cruelty. I won’t apologize if I’m not wrong or don’t feel wrong. I don’t like giving into a lie or how others want to perceive the situation. I wouldn’t want someone to apologize to me if they didn’t mean it. It’s hard sometimes to find common ground. It’s hard to not just bottle things up. Or push people away when I need help. It’s hard to let go. To express myself more. To not be invisible or shy about things like my talents. I don’t feel talented. I wasn’t raised to be big-headed, more like to be seen and not heard. It’s hard for me to take a compliment. I’ve been working on it. It is hard knowing so many people and dealing with so many more daily–when I have a job that is. Its adjusting to all the different personalities around you and it can be exhausting. But I’m trying. I’m trying to grow and change for the better whenever I can. To go places I’ve never been or haven’t been to in a while. To restore who I was maybe. To work on being more confident about my art and writing with Shalimar. To be proud of the things I’ve done.

What do you need to work on?

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