Why I Hate Talking about Weight

Bench Peacock
Bench Peacock. My photography. Available for purchase in my shop links located in my bio.

People can talk and talk about weight and what’s considered fat/skinny and everyone will argue and hate you and I don’t even want to go there. But if it’s a HEALTH issue my stupid brain can’t help but butt in. And usually a complete stranger with a stick up their butt is the one to attack me. Usually they don’t even know more than what they read in the article and just comment out of anger and have no inkling on what being healthy is. Some guys like skinny girls, some like bigger girls. Some girls like skinny guys, some like their teddy bears and so on….Some people are proud to be whatever size they are and good for them. But your health can suck either irregardless of your weight. Some people need to read actual articles and not some news fluff. I read things. I look things up. I have history and background about these things. People assume I’m an idiot especially because they don’t know me, and usually hate me when I’m right or too blinded by ignorant rage to see straight. Whatever.

When I was in my teens, one of my aunts was studying to be a Dietitian. I helped her study, read her flash cards. I know a few things about health. I know a bit about how to read nutrition labels on the sides of boxes. For example: “Diet food” with high sugar/salt but low fat isn’t necessarily good for you, and yes the serving size is 100 calories. But the box is 5 servings. You just ate the whole box? You just ate 500 calories.

When my ex fiancé and I were together, a combination of things led me to gain some weight–like us eating out a lot, or cooking fatty at home, and a medication I was on. I went to the doctors for an exam and she straight out said I was fat and I needed to have my cholesterol checked. I was maybe twenty-two  years old or so. I was insulted but I did it anyway. My total cholesterol was 245! Back then I didn’t check my weight but my jeans were size 16. Since clothing sizes have changed, that could be considered a larger size now, maybe an 18.

What did I do? I called the aunt. She gave me a few printouts on healthy alternatives (i.e. olive oil instead of corn oil, 2% milk instead of whole, wheat bread instead of white). Just a few little things to start out to lower my cholesterol. Anyone can go to a dietitian and get help too. People can learn for instance how smaller more frequent meals or 3 meals with some healthy snacks can work for you. Everyone is different.

The ex and I walked the dogs longer, we started cooked healthier. Still even ten years later, my total cholesterol wouldn’t come down lower than 215. I learned it’s not all about what you eat or how much you exercise. It can be just the way you’re made. Another aunt of mine is barley 100lbs at 5’0”, walks on her treadmill, is a vegetarian and still has to take a pill for her cholesterol. Cholesterol can be caused by stress as well. And hell, when am I not stressed?? And I’m not going to lie, I’d probably drop some weight by exercising too but there never seems to NOT be any stress in my life. Besides, usually when I exercise I gain muscle tone which muscle weighs MORE than fat. lol!

Stress messed me up a few years ago after four funerals and the doctor seeing my high white blood cell count (wbc) fluctuate over and over thought I may have Leukemia. I’d gone in about heart palpitations! (My mom had “electrical” issues in her 30’s, thought that was now my issue.) The doc had me on the treadmill, 24hr EKG, and an Echocardiogram. Not fun. Let me tell you that didn’t reduce my stress either thinking I may have cancer. Oncologist said my high wbc could “just be the way I am”. I looked it up; wbc can be raised by stress. Your blood pressure just knocks the little wb cells loose and takes them for a ride so it shows up on the test. When I’m stressed my bp can get almost hypertensive like my Grandmother. She was a nervous lady, and that 100lb aunt is her daughter. After getting checked every six months for about three years my last doc said once a year was okay now. Still around the six month mark I got stressed out until I realized I’d been scared crazy for a few years about it and it was just my body doing its semi-annual ‘preparing for the worst’.

There are different kinds of body shapes. People’s weight distributes differently. Having a thick waist can cause issues: Like this quote from the Mayo Clinic: “For women, a waist measurement of 35 inches (89 centimeters) or more indicates an unhealthy concentration of belly fat and a greater risk of problems such as heart disease, high blood pressure and type 2 diabetes. For men, a waist measurement of 40 inches (102 centimeters) or more is considered cause for concern.”

I however don’t believe in the BMI crap as a way to tell how “fat” someone is because my BMI is usually around 30-something. THAT IS CONSIDERED OBESE!! I’m 5’3″, and different charts for BMI say I should weigh basically between 105-140lbs. No way in hell am I going to drop down to 140. Let alone 105. I always joke I’d have to cut off the boobs. I was around 140 in high school–I was in marching band and junior year it got intense with Rose Parade auditions coming up. I got down to a size 10/11 (now probably equal to a 12/13). I saved a pair of size 10 shorts from high school just to see the difference from how small I was back then and I don’t fit in them, even when I was a size 8 a few years ago. Also as you get older your body changes and weight can distribute differently. I will probably never fit into those shorts again. Even back then if I told someone how much I weighed, without them seeing me, they would assume I was fat. Just unbelievable what people like to assume about your body and even have the nerve commenting on when they’re trying to basically pick you up for a date. Um no. Goodbye!

Clothing sizes went up over the years to get rid of a lot of the 0/00 sizes and well make women feel skinnier so they’ll buy more clothes. (Do you know a lot of manufactures make women’s clothes poorly because women buy clothes more often than men? Read up on that too. lol) Even at one job, new work pants came in, and one tiny girl thought she got fat. We both had to go up a size. I looked into it: Different brand of pants. Like an inch or two smaller than the old pants. Labels said the same size though. Women’s clothing fits to women’s vanity. In that work pant I think I was an 16 or 18 depending on the pants most of the time I worked there. I was may be a size 10 back then, and yes I do wear my pants on my waistline, not my hips. Women will wear the same size pants as me but they carry their weight differently. They could be heavier than me but have a small waist. My mom is a lot heavier than me, but my bra size is three sizes up from hers. People who have the money or skills can have their clothing tailored to fit them. Clothing sizes are general. Bodies are not.

My mom is a Type 2 diabetic. It started in her thirties. I’m sure how much she weighed because she never told me. I’m guessing over 300, think she’s like 5’7. She’d had been curvy since high school. She probably blames being pregnant with me for getting fat. And yah some ladies have the pooch because of kids, that can be more difficult to get back because the muscles weaken, especially after a c-section. (I looked that up too) My mom’s dad & grandfather got Type 2 diabetes less than ten years ago. They definitely weren’t as heavy but both had a sweet tooth. But I mean my Grandpa was in his 60’s and my Great-Grandpa was in his 80’s. You can get it anytime and it can almost go away with diet and exercise. My Dad got it in his late forties I think & Mom had it and it lessened as they dropped weight. Other than the weight & diabetes, my mom had LOW cholesterol and normal blood pressure until she was in her fifties. Again, not all people have issues because of their weight, but getting older can also be a factor in this, as well as stress levels and diet etc.

My mom had a sweet tooth but could also eat a large bag or two of vegetables at a time. She could chug a few liters of water in seconds. Her diet wasn’t good but the amount of food wasn’t either, and she’s tried every diet out there. She’d lose some weight, but go back to eating like she had before and gain it plus sometimes more back. I know dieting over and over isn’t necessarily good for you either. It can mess with your body’s balance of hormones and whatnot. Also, people can also be underweight, which also can be unhealthy. I also have known people who are skinny, run or weight lift, and then eat cheeseburgers and tons of bacon. One had high cholesterol. I knew one girl in high school who was embarrassed about how skinny she was and wore baggy sweats every day and ate pizza every day trying to gain weight. Her metabolism was probably just really high and usually the only way to gain weight would be to gain muscle with exercise. I had one science teacher who rock climbed every weekend to maintain his weight or he dropped it. He always had a sunglasses tan.

Even when I re-posted an article about a plus size girl doing yoga I had concerns about what ideas it can put into people’s heads. Yes, chubby women can be flexible. Yes it’s okay to be chubby and love your body. Don’t get me wrong. My ligaments are always tight but because I was in dance sometimes eight hours a week for about four years, and I have done some Pilates I am still kind of flexible even when I don’t keep it up. I never could do the splits all the way down but I got pretty low. Haha. Some people aren’t flexible at all until they work at it. Some people are double-jointed and don’t have to try but sometimes aren’t as physically strong. Body weight doesn’t necessarily matter. Muscle memory is what lets an eighty year old woman still salsa dance after sixty years of doing so. This chick could have been bendy and/or strong before she started yoga despite her getting heavy. I’ve seen plus size girls and boys doing splits or who are very strong. Weight doesn’t always have anything to do with it. Also let me add in that they could have gained weight due to a medical condition or a medication they’re on. Something that they can’t help but they’re still able to do the things that they love.

So I think the healthy point of view to have is to accept people of all different sizes, skinny or fat, as long as they’re healthy. I have said if I weighed 200lbs but was muscly and could toss someone across the room I’d be okay with that. Haha! I don’t have to be skinny. If I was 105lbs and I still had the large breasts, I’m sure I’d fall over. Like guys don’t stare enough as it is!

I once told my second boyfriend after realizing his ex was a big girl that even if I was heavy now, I didn’t plan on getting heavier. And I asked if I lost weight, if he’d still want to be with me. He said yes. Which was good, because the last thing I want is someone to be with me just because of what I look like, especially my weight. I don’t like chubby-chasing men. You got to love the inside, not just the outside! Even more so if the outside changes, you should still be able to love that person. My mom always thought being fat was bad. I had my dance classes, but then we’d pick up fast food after. Not so healthy. When I was older, she started sliding in comments about my weight. Trying to make me feel self-conscious and/or trying to make herself feel better about her weight. No clue. Sometimes psychological issues can give you body issues and contribute to weight gain/loss. And well yah I already had some and partially because of the things my mom said and how she lived her life and possibly also because of a dark moment in my life during my teenage years. Also just being a teen makes you uber aware of your body.

I told my mom more than once when she was complaining about her weight and finding a guy, I said if she wanted I’d take her to a BBW (Big Beautiful Woman) club and find plenty of guys who liked her as is. She would just giggle. But last time I saw her on social media she was on another diet…You have to have a healthy mindset to go with being healthy, to know what’s possible and how to take small steps to get there so you stay there. Otherwise you’ll never be happy I think. Always hold you back. It’s also harder in general for women to commit to something long term like a diet and exercise plan. But a quick fix can just end up in disappointment later. It needs to be a habit. Not necessarily a crazy every day six our habit. It can be as little as 20 minutes, three times a week to maintain weight. People losing weight tend to give up when they stop losing weight, instead of switch it up to get going again. They don’t see that they’ve lost inches or gained muscle. A scale doesn’t tell the whole story.

One guy said to me more or less that he was more worried about his daughters trying to be anorexic because of anorexic models than models being plus sized as he spit venom at me. The curse words just made me blank out on anything else he said. But I don’t think that works either. Believe me even that one size 10 model that people were up in arms over a few years go…dude she has a flat stomach and isn’t flabby. I’d love to look like her at a size 10. Being model tall would probably help with that a little. Haha.

Once my exes niece at like seven years old told us she only ate two hot dogs that day because she didn’t want to be “fat like her mom”. Niece was a bit chubby but kids can be and one growth spurt and that could be gone. I encouraged her to eat three meals, but to maybe try eating healthier foods than hot dogs, drinking more water than soda, and going out to play and ride her bike. But like with those new Barbie dolls with the differently shaped bodies, it’s the environment the kid grows up in that affects them. What their parents and role models do/say. If she hears people calling her mom fat, or her mom calling herself fat…What does the child think? When I was a kid, I knew my mom was fat, but if someone called her that I told them off. That’s my momma! I don’t think my mom really started in on me about my weight until after the cholesterol thing and the fiancé and I broke up. Good work there mom. But she didn’t exactly instill a good diet or body image in me as a kid either. She told me the dance & modeling classes were to “build up my confidence”. Eh…not sure that worked.

With me being broke and not working, eating well isn’t always possible. I’m not in denial about what my body has been going through being so sedentary. Even a few years ago after having two active jobs, then going to sitting around, I noticed the changes in my body. But even with articles I’ve read in the past about small ways to burn calories like taking the stairs even one floor instead of the elevator, sitting on a yoga ball, chewing gum etc… But things like my bad back and tail bone I can’t sit on the yoga ball that long. Even chewing gum can burn calories but I have TMJ so I stopped that (look it up haha). Even twitching burns calories and I can’t stay still for long anyway. People think it’s “all or nothing” but even little things can make a difference. But you know, don’t go chewing two packs of gum a day. That’s just weird, Mom. Try to reduce the stress in your life as well because that can help you reach your health goals too. Work on keeping your mind healthy as well as your body.

You are beautiful NOW. Right now! Even if YOU don’t see it, I bet there are people who DO see it. Especially those people who care about you and love you—and frankly only those people matter. People who love you wouldn’t say things to bring you down about your body, but they may bring it up if it concerns them. A cousin when she was around four years old told me, “Princesses have to wear makeup so the Prince will like her” Cue internal screaming. I told her that even the Evil Queen was beautiful…But she was evil on the inside. That even bad people can be beautiful. So yes be beautiful on the inside, it’ll show on the outside too. Smile, be happy with who you are, and stop stressing so much about everything. (I’m saying it to myself as well. Haha) Besides that, just be healthy so we can have you around as long as possible. Everyone else who is bullying others with their twisted views on what everyone should look like can just shove it. No one’s ever going to agree on that anyway. We just weren’t meant to.

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